Sunday, March 3, 2013

Either/or: Brother vs. Lover Paradoxes

Is it okay to befriend a woman who is in a relationship (marriage or dating) knowing in full honesty you love her?

The answer seems to never be perfect, and depending on the perspectives and details of the relationships and persons... There may never be an excellent answer to the above question.

These are random thoughts as of now, I hope to expand this into something much larger:

She is involved with him. He has her heart but, she could some how be mine. . . To wait, to deviate, to scheme or to just leave? I love her, indeed, but is it right to make her mine? By make, I mean to work with time and hope? Or to work with persuasion and deception?

Can I honestly tell her I love her, and get her? Most unlikely as a woman's heart is like a time machine... They will not be able to turn the switch of love to not-love without a trip through time and space of emotional involvement and historic sensation.

To befriend her with hopes he will make a mistake, and living with this internal lie? Or to befriend her and do whatever I can to turn her to me, which will void me of intra-lying?

I can see us together: we debate but laugh and learn, we share fears, we have common interest, but she isn't mine. She does feel for me, there is love there but not all for me. That man, is where her main love goes - her touch, her feel, her warmth... While all I get are the issues and qualms of what
he does wrong, to make him look bad? Or, to make her 'love' better and more fully and help with her  current choice of love? These questions alone make my heart ache.

A brother or lover - the worse dualism ever - there is no in between as even social incense is wrong to me...

Is it right to love her without her knowing? Do I honestly love her if she is happy, but I am unhappy not being with her? How do I cure this feeling if not with her... Just leave her? 

To make her mine would break her emotionally. To use all my rhetoric and effort to convince her i am the right person, the right man for her. Is this right? To not let her know all i want in a woman is her? I disrespect other women emotionally as my heart lays with her. Yet, I cannot do anything but wait and see, if I will ever have my chance... Should I wait in this limbo? Or, should I dismiss her and move on? I cannot be just friends, it is either lover or brother...

To make her mine. Would do more harm than good. At least I hurt myself only without her than her with me. . . To have lied and waited. Would that of been okay? Is it lying? What is love? Do the means justify the end? To just be friends and wait? Til he Fucks up? Until she Fucks me?

Harm to leave her alone with out me because I cannot lie and say I do not love you. To not be able to be her friend or brother because I do not want to be reminded of how much I do not have. I know with me she will grow into a better person, because I am a better person having known her, but, at the cost of heart pains and tears, perhaps my foundation is not as benefiticial as hers with me... While she builds freely on top of our sibling status, every brick placed feels as if a pyramid is an infinite structure - when will my feelings be done?

Some would say: "You wait a little while. Be her conversation go to guy. Whenever she is upset she will come to you." Is that right with an agenda? Do I not have to give up the idea of lover and just be her brother to be more moral with her emotions?!

Eventually do you tell her you love her? And break the friendship off, or get more ready to break her morals? To force her to cheat. To force her to go against her own morals, is that not immoral?


What about HIM?! He has done nothing wrong to me, besides take away my chance to love her. He must be a nice guy for her to love him, there is no question there. To harm him because of my moral dilemma? What if I was him? Another man so desperate to know what is RIGHT to do with my lover? Especially if he is supposed to be her brother...

He exist in the back of my mind, but this does not answer any of the other problems I have: Do I tell a women who is involved, I love her, and be totally honest and pray for her to feel the same? Or do I play brother and wait, with a lie, for the day to stray her away?

The idea of planting seeds, is this greedy? To psychologically impose the image of us... Is that not deceptive and immoral? To know ultimately this act will bloom into actions and reactions? Is it proper to know women hearts are the time machine and must place timeless ideas in which they will find their way to you?

On one hand I can never talk to her again, knowing I can never have her and hope she will have a long happy life.  In the other... I can pretend to be okay with 'brother' status until I catch her on the rebound, while the whole time having lied to her about my true feelings... The moralist in me... is at ends. 

Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Perhaps, but, as I know she is not with me and with another who could no better... I will always love her, and as long as she knows it, that is worth more than my desires being met.

I pray for her to be happy, but I dream of her to be happy with me.


"What does she want?"

This question, while able to stabilize thoughts momentarily, is where it always comes back to...

Maybe I am slightly wrong for leaving her alone without my brotherhood, but I cannot be wrong while I know all I want is to be in love with her.


Maybe I am slightly wrong for lying to her with my brotherhood, but I cannot be wrong while I know all I want is to be in love with her....


No matter where you map out your perspectives, morals and objectivism - remember, the question at hand is love, and if you are not able to love them for their entire person and only for the fact you do not have them, is that really love? And if you do love them entirely, without question or dilemma - the obstacles that stand in your way, are beyond you, but a heart of two and the risk of losing a connection with someone you love...

Perhaps, to conclude, limiting the platonic friendship is best - you share and talk but only on a time frame which will not make your heart vibrate. However, if you know you will always love her, that friendship is still a lie, because you would kill Plato for the chance to be with her - perhaps it is best to move on and let time heal your wounds. If you know you can one day have those feelings die, than limiting your time is still the best option.

Overall, feel out the situation: understand all the elements and perspective of your exact 'brother v lover' situation - what she wants is the most important, and if she wants what you cannot provide, you have to live life anyways. Do not forget her, do not hate her, do not want her dead... Make her a momento mori - make her a memory which reminds you, you are MORtAL, only a human being..

Part of what it is to be human is to learn time management... especially with 'love'

1 comment:

  1. This was a very honest and thorough perspective on one of many facets of love, in this case being love vs morality. Is it immoral if you're honest about the way you feel? Sure, by doing so, you have the potential to indirectly manipulate their relationship, but it would mean that your feelings would spark a realization, from your interest, that would put her in a position to re-evaluate the way she feels.

    One can be honest while still being considerate and respectful. Love can exist independently, and beyond physical, so her happiness - whether with you, him, or someone else - should be the intention that drives your actions.

    Above all else, know that things will work out as they should.

    Thanks for sharing. Bold, honest, deep, and raw.